


Are You Now Or Have You Ever Been?

by ShipwreckedPrincess



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-07-07
Packaged: 2018-07-15 05:17:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7209404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShipwreckedPrincess/pseuds/ShipwreckedPrincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is just a love story; a lot of fluff, a little smut in later chapters and maybe a bit of angst. Nobody dies because I'm tired of death. </p>
<p>Lexa walks into the art gallery where Clarke works one day and turns Clarke's world upside down. </p>
<p>Or..</p>
<p>Lincoln is a reluctant matchmaker, Clarke is smitten and has very little chill and Lexa is an adorable nerd.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is not beta'd so all mistakes are my own. It's the first fic I've done in a while so be gentle:) I have a general outline and a few chapters done/almost done so I'll try to update regularly. I love comments and constructive criticism! Thanks for reading, hope you enjoy.

Most days at work play out in much the same way. You sit behind the tall counter on a stool so high your feet dangle. You make endless calls, browse dozens of artists sites. You buy and sell art and organize art shows. You deal with a variety of clients and you paint. Some of your paintings are for sale here, others are commissioned by clients or business. Some you do just for you. You love this job but its pretty routine. Today, however, well today is a bit different. You're going over shipping receipts when the bell above the entrance door chimes. You look up to see a young woman, your age maybe a bit younger, walk through the door. She may be the prettiest girl you've ever laid eyes on. You want to draw the sharp lines of her jaw, her full mouth set in a slight pout. She's tall and maybe just a little lanky and you wonder if you could capture that slight awkwardness while still conveying the sexy sway of her hips. You wonder...  
"Quit staring at my baby cousin," Lincoln, your boss and the owner of this gallery, whispers in your ear. It startles you out of your reverie and you shoot him a dirty look over your shoulder.  
"I wasn't staring! Wait, that's your cousin?" The beautiful girl that had just entered the gallery, long wavy brown hair swept effortlessly over one shoulder, sparkling green eyes taking in the walls of paintings was your boss's cousin. Huh.  
"You were, and yes it is. Hands off, Griffin, she's 19."  
"First of all, I'm only 23, Lincoln, hardly and age difference at all. Secondly, I was not staring. I can appreciate beauty without you making it creepy."  
"Good looks run in our family," Lincoln says with a smirk. "In all seriousness, I'll introduce you. Play nice, Clarke." Without waiting for a reply he grabs your arm and drags you over to where the girl is standing, looking thoughtfully at one of your paintings.  
"Lexa!" Lincoln shouts gleefully at the girl, causing her to visibly jump. She spins on her heal, long hair whipping around with her and your breath catches. Audibly, apparently, because Lincoln elbows you ever so slightly. She really is beautiful. Kinda nerdy you notice. She's wearing black framed glasses, a light green button up shirt (that brings out the deep forest green of her eyes, not that you're staring or anything) tucked in to grey dress pants and to top it all off, a cardigan. An actual cardigan. You thinks she's the most gorgeous nerd you've ever seen.  
"Lincoln! Must you always shout?" Lexa speaks formally but you enjoy the sound of her voice. Soft, feminine, strong. Ugh, your disgusting yourself with all the mushy thoughts. She looks at you then and you know you're a goner. Lexa's eyes widen ever so slightly and her mouth falls open like she's about to speak again but she regains composure so quickly, you wonder if you imagined it.  
"Yes, I must. Lexa, this is Clarke. She is the gallery manager and my finest art contributor. That's one of hers there," he points behind Lexa and she follows his finger. Her eyes leaving you for the first time since she turned around.  
"You did that? Wow. Just, wow. You're talented to say the least." She says all that with her head still tuned toward the painting and when she turns around, her eyes meet yours again and her lips turn up ever so slightly in a soft smile. "It's beautiful, Clarke." The way she says your name does something to your brain and you momentarily forget how to form words into sentences.  
"Th-thanks. It's um, not the best I've done but it's.." You take a breath. Jesus, you need to get a grip. "Thanks" Lexa is full on grinning now and you're almost glad you're making a bumbling idiot of yourself. Her smile is breathtaking.  
"I only speak the truth. Its very nice to meet you." Were you imagining it, or did she emphasize "very?" She holds out her hand, you take it rather quickly and the smile on her full lips disappears instantly, replaced by a look of what you can only describe as shock. You feel it too. Some sort of spark, some sort of connection. Your hands clasp much longer than socially polite and when she let's go, you instantly miss the contact.  
"It's nice to meet you too, Lexa." You notice Lincoln in your peripheral, looking confused and amused at your interaction. Just then, another patron asks for help and you're forced to leave this little bubble.  
The patron is an elderly woman, one of your favorites. She owns two of your paintings already and she's commissioning a third custom piece. Your interaction with the woman take a long time. When you make your way back to the front desk, Lexa's no longer there and you'd be lying if you said you weren't very disappointed.  
///  
C'mon, Lincoln, give me her number!" Your voice is intentionally whiny and you put on your best pout.  
"Give it up, Griffin, I'm not setting you up with my cousin!"  
"I set up you and Octavia, look how well that's working out."  
"It's not the same thing. You're..." He trails off  
"I'm what, Lincoln" and although you already now what he'll say, know the truth of it, you still prep yourself for the sting of his words.  
"Ugh," he huffs, "you're just, you like to play the field, sow your wild oats so to speak."  
"Gross, I hate that saying." You interrupt.  
"I like you, Clarke. I consider you a friend, but Lexa is fragile. She, she can't be another conquest."  
You take a breat to stave off the hurt. True, you went through a period of playing the field and somehow you've earned a reputation of being a player. You want something real now and you can't dismiss the connection you felt with Lexa. Some spark, some sense of familiarity.  
"That's not what I want." Its not.  
"Okay," Lincoln huffs dramatically, like he's really doing you a huge favor. He is. "How about this; I'll have a get together at my house tomorrow. We can chill by the pool if its not too cold. I'll invite Lexa and you can talk to her, get her number yourself, get to know her. Woo her Griffin."  
"Woo her? Geez you're old fashioned. But okay, sweet. You're the best!"  
"I know, I really am. Bring Raven or its going to be real obvious its a setup."  
"I always bring Raven," you laugh. It's a running joke. You, Raven and Octavia are inseparable. Although Octavia is a bit younger, she's always been like a kid sister. He doesn't have to tell you to bring her though, where Lincoln is, she is these days.  
"I'm not kidding about Lexa. She's a lot more vulnerable than she seems. Something happened Clarke. She hasn't been the same since."  
"What happened?" You're curious but for some reason full of dread. You feel fiercely protective over this girl. This girl you just met. It makes no sense, and yet it does.  
"Its not my story to tell. Just giving you fair warning. She isn't care free, she isn't easy but she's one of the best people I know. If you hurt her-"  
"Whoa, slow down. I don't even know if she'll be into me. One step at a time."  
"Oh, she's into you. I saw the way she looked at you. Its been a long time since I've seen her look at someone that way."  
"Really? That's, that's good. Really good, but you're putting a lot of stock in a look." You noticed it too, the flash of familiarity, the way her green eyes softened when you took her outstretched hand.  
"Also, she may have texted me after she left asking about you." Lincoln has a smirk on his face. Maybe he's not hating this idea as much as he lets on.  
"What?!" You are more than happy to hear that you've peaked Lexa's interest. "What'd she ask?" You start picking at the string dangling from the edge of your sleeve, eyes glued to your hand while you wait for his reply. Why are you so nervous? You want Lexa to like you. You want it so hard its scary.  
"Umm, she asked if you dug chicks, if you were single, that kind of thing."  
"Cool" you say simply  
"All right, Casanova, back to work. I'm out of here, gotta run to the bank. You okay to lock up?"  
"Huh? Oh yeah, I'm fine."  
"Uh huh," Lincoln looks skeptical but gathers his things and heads toward the door. "I'll see you tomorrow, seven sharp. I expect you to be on your best behavior!"  
"Yeah, yeah boss. Get outta here!" You're smiling like an idiot and he chuckles loudly before walking out the double doors and out of sight. This day hadn't turned out too bad at all. Hopefully tomorrow would be even better.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa hang out for the first time and discover they have a ton chemistry. Lincoln, Raven and Octavia make appearances too!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter at work while dealing with an especially difficult inmate. Forgive the errors, please?:)

Lincoln's house is very LA. One story, streamlined and chic. His sliding glass doors open up to a back yard with a high privacy fence. You let yourself in through the back gate, you've been here a dozen times. It's an unseasonably warm day, perfect for swimming. Raven looks comically beach like in a floppy sun hat and sunglasses that pretty much swallow her face. She's wearing a white bikini with cutoff jean shorts, showing of her amazing olive skin and toned stomach. Raven is hot, you're not blind after all, but she's also silly and down to earth. She's been your best friend since your freshman year of college and you love her to death. You also do not trust her to be subtle around Lexa. You made the mistake of gushing about the beauty to Raven and she hasn't stopped teasing you since. You're in front of Raven and when you stop abruptly before fully entering the yard, she slams into your back. 

"What the hell, man. Let's go, I wanna see your lover." She makes a move to push you aside but your grip on the gate and your sudden crippling nervousness make you a formidable road block.

"I changed my mind. This is stupid, she's not going to like me. I mean I barely said two words to her and, and ugh what am I doing?!" You're about to start hyperventilating

"Calm the hell down, Griffin. You'll be fine. Of course she's gonna like you, you're highly likeable. Plus, you look hot as hell" you appreciate that comment. You spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to look cute and casual while also trying to look like you just threw something together. You finally decided on a deep turqoise one piece that is a faux crochet material with cutouts along your sides. It's flattering but you mostly chose it because any shade of green is your new favorite color. You refuse to think too much about why that is, certainty not because wide green eyes are pretty much all you think about. You put on a white sleeveless sun dress and your blonde hair lays in loose waves around your bare shoulders.

"Okay, okay. Just, be cool Raven. Don't make me regret bringing you."

"I'm deeply, deeply offended. Would I do anything to embarrass my bestest friend?" she says the last in an over exaggerated baby voice and pinches your cheek roughly for emphasis. Yeah, you're screwed. 

You sigh deeply, just to properly convey your irritation, before rolling your eyes and walking fully through the gate. Raven follows closely behind and you hear the click of the gate as it closes behind her. Your eyes scan the immaculately landscaped area and find Lincoln sitting shirtless with his feet dipped in the pool. He's kicking water at a giggling Octavia who is submerged waist deep in the crystal clear water. Her hair is piled loosely on her head and you can see she opted for a bikini as well. It's black with rainbow stars. You remember Octavia excitedly accompanying you to your first pride a couple summers ago and you smile at the memory of an exuberant Octavia buying every rainbow piece of merchandise she could get her hands on, including the bikini she is now sporting. They both spot you at the same time. Octavia waves and motions for you to come over to where she is. Raven doesn't hesitate before clomping over, her flip flops making an obnoxiously loud noise on the stone walkway. You look for Lexa but she isn't in the yard.

"Hey Clarke!" Lincoln yells from his spot where he remains seated. He really does shout a lot. "Hey Clarke's friend!" 

"You know my name, ass hat, use it!" Raven retorts. Though they don't know each other well, they have a brother-sister dynamic that never fails to amuse you. Lincoln just chuckles and you make your way over to where he sits and claim a spot beside him, throwing your sandals and bag in the grass behind you. As you sit down and dip your feet in the cool water, you notice Raven has disposed of her shorts, hat and glasses and is about to do a cannonball way to close to where you are for you to have any illusions of not getting splashed. 

"Raven, don't-" you start but it's too late, she's already in. The water pretty much soaks your dress and you shoot her an annoyed look. Not off to a great start. 

"She's inside making drinks," Lincoln whispers

"Oh, I um I wasn't..." You trail off and offer a small smile instead. No use denying it. Lincoln bumps your shoulder with his playfully and you lapse into comfortable silence, watching Raven and Octavia splash around like kids. 

Moments later, Lexa comes through the open patio doors balancing a tray with several glasses and a pitcher filled with something dark red. You practically trip over yourself getting to her to offer help. Lexa smiles softley when you take the tray from her. You let your fingers brush over hers and she looks at you through a curtain of soft brown curls. She's wearing very short cotton shorts and a loose yellow T-shirt that hangs off one shoulder revealing the strap of what looks to be a red bikini. You feel your mouth go dry then immediately chastise yourself for being a perv. 

"Thanks for your help, CLARKE!" Lexa shouts your name in the direction of the small group behind you, not so subtly pointing out that no one else moved to offer assistance.

"Hey, just trying not to be a cockblock." Raven shouts back. You can feel your face heat up with embarrassment.

"Yeah, you're welcome!" Octavia chimes. 

Lexa, to her credit, plays along. "Thanks guys, you're really helping my game." This earns a chorus of laughter before they go back to what they were doing. 

You set the tray on the large patio table and without looking, you can feel Lexa come up close beside you. "You came," she whispers. It almost seems like she is surprised. "I wasn't sure you would. Lincoln was kind of vague when I asked."

"You asked?" Your voice squeaks. Jesus, get it together. 

"Yeah, I mean I wanted to see you again. I kinda begged Lincoln to talk me up. He suggested this not so subtle get together and told me to talk myself up. I wasn't sure you'd be on board."

She wasn't sure? You want to explain that the first time you laid eyes on her, you immediately felt a spark. You want to tell her that you think she's beautiful and that you'd have to be an idiot not to want to see her. But those words seem to big to verbalize, especially this soon so you settle for something simple.

"Of course I'm on board." Her smile takes your breath away and you know it was the right thing to say. "You know, I begged Lincoln to give me your number. He wouldn't do it. He suggested this gathering and told me to get it myself. He's kind of a pro at this it seems."

"And what is this?" Lexa asks. 

"It's something, that's for sure." The words are out of your mouth before you can stop them. When your panicked eyes meet Lexa's, she has this tiny little pleased smirk on her face. 

"Cool." She nods. She pulls her phone out of her pocket, unlocks it and holds it out to you. You just stare, unsure of what she's asking of you. "Put your number in." Oh. Duh. You take the phone with shaking hands and enter your number before handing it back. That was surprisingly easy. 

"So what's in the pitcher?" 

"Oh!" She is so damn cute you can hardly stand it. "My special version of Sangria. Try it, it's amazing." She pours you a glass and hands it to you. 

"Aren't you underage?" You tease, "I don't want to contribute to minors."

"Well, I'm doing the contributing so I think you're fine. Plus, I'm an old soul." Of that, you have no doubt. You lift the glass to your lips and taste the cool beverage. Lexa watches you expectantly the whole while.

"This is really good," it really is although you would say that no matter what. 

The others slowly make their way to the table, lured by the promise of alcohol. You all drink, joke, talk and just enjoy each other's company. You notice that Lexa seems less open when the others are in close proximity. She follows the conversation well, participates when appropriate but the easy flirty behavior is gone. You remember Lincoln's warning. Something happened. She's not the same. You desperately want to get to know this girl you decide. You need her to open up to you, you want her secrets. 

Lexa leaves after about an hour, not nearly long enough. You learn she's a sophomore at UCLA studying politics and has a night class on Fridays. Your interest is piqued once again. She has a lot of levels and you hope you get to explore them all. 

When you get home that night you discover a text from an unknown number.

[Unknown Number]  
Hey Clarke, it's Lexa. Guess you can tell Lincoln you got my number. Mission accomplished;) I had fun tonight and was wondering if you'd like to hang out again sometime, maybe just you and me?

 

You quickly type out a response, of course you'd like to hang out. You tell her to name a time and hope you don't sound too eager. You're not expecting an answer right away but you feel your phone vibrate almost immediately. 

 

[Lexa]  
Tomorrow? 

 

You're beaming at the screen when you send back a quick, "absolutely!" 

 

[Lexa]  
Yes! (Or something slightly less pathetic sounding) its Saturday tomorrow, so no class and I know the gallery is closed;) can I pick you up around 7? I know a great sushi place. Lincoln told me that's you're favorite. Oh God, I sound like a creeper. 

 

You can't help but laugh, she's charming and nerdy and you like that she's nervous too. You text her your address and tell her you'll see her at seven. You're nervous and way excited at the prospect of spending one on one time with this amazing girl. 

 

[Lexa]  
Can't wait. Good night, Clarke:)

 

You text her good night and plug your phone into the charger. You have a date with Lexa and you can't freaking wait.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa go on a date and they are both adorable.

You're entire wardrobe is scattered on your bed. Octavia is sitting on the floor of your bedroom, flipping through her phone. She lost interest in helping you get ready for this date about an hour ago. Raven is still going strong and although you appreciate her help, you could live without the snide remarks every time she pulls an article of clothing from your closet. 

"Seriously, Clarke, what is this?" She's holding up a black shift dress with tribal patterns on the bottom. "Did you steal this from the old folks home? Some poor old lady is running around without her favorite muumuu." 

"I bought in it Mexico, you ass. It's cute!" Okay, maybe it's not but you've got to defend your fashion choices here. 

"And now we know why you don't have a career in fashion." Octavia giggles.

"This, this is it." Raven pulls out a flowing pink razor back tank top with rips up the back. "Put this over a black tank-top and those light ripped skinny jeans you wore to bar the other night."

You gather the suggested items and since neither of your friends will leave the room to give you some privacy, you pull on the clothes as quickly as possible. 

"Yep, you look hot. She won't know what hit her." Raven seems pleased with herself as she gives you a once over. 

"You look great, Clarke." Octavia is not nearly as enthusiastic and you can't blame her. You're being ridiculous. You've gone on plenty of dates, why this one has you so discombobulated, you don't know. Maybe you do but you're not ready to think about it yet. 

You look in the full length mirror attached to the back of your door and groan. "Do I look like I'm not taking this seriously?" You ask nobody in particular. Both girls make a variety of annoyed noises at the question.

"You're beautiful, Clarke." Octavia says sincerely, "And you're driving me nuts. Lexa likes you, trust me. It is not going to matter what you wear. Stop stressing and finish getting ready, it's six thirty." 

"Oh my God, Raven help me with my make up!" Raven follows you as you hurry down the short hall of your apartment and in to the small bathroom. You sit on the lid of the toilet and let her work her magic. How do girls get ready by themselves? It's literally taking a whole team to prepare you for one casual date. 

The door bell rings at seven o'clock on the dot. Raven and Octavia rush to follow you to answer it. If they hadn't spent all afternoon helping you get ready and listening to you work yourself into panic, you'd tell them to get lost. You open the door to find an adorably nervous Lexa fidgeting with some really pretty white daisies in her hands. She looks gorgeous in jean shorts and a loose white tank top tucked in to her waistband. Her gasses are sitting low on her nose and she is looking at you over them with her mouth open. She is such a nerd, in the best way possible. She is so beautiful, your breath catches. She seems to have that effect on you. Lexa runs her fingers through hair and thrusts the flowers at you.

"You look really nice, Clarke." She almost whispers as you take the flowers and put them to your nose. They smell sweet and you love them. Raven and Octavia, who you completely forgot about, startle you with their loud chorus of, "awwws."

"So do you. Thank you for the flowers, they are pretty." 

"That is so sweet!" Octavia says, "I can't even handle the cuteness."

"Yeah, it's pretty gross." Raven adds but when you turn around to shoot her a warning glance, you see she is smiling at Lexa. "All right ladies, get out of here before I go into a diabetic coma from all the sweetness." 

Lexa ducks her head shyly but she's smiling too so you don't worry too much about your embarrassing friends. You hand the flowers to Octavia, because she lives here and you trust her a little more to follow through with your instructions.

"Will you put those in some water for me?" You ask. She takes the flowers with a nod. You grab your purse, which is really more of a small messenger bag, and head out the door. Lexa visibly relaxes when it's just the two of you. A trend, you notice. She's not the most social creature you've ever encountered and it kind of makes her more endearing. 

"So...sushi still okay?" Lexa asks as you walk out of the building towards the parking lot. 

"Yes! I love sushi, as you know. Also, I'm starving." It amazes you how you can feel so nervous around Lexa and still feel this familiarity. You remember your dad telling you a story about how, in ancient times, people believed that everyone was born with two souls, two people joined together until the gods separated them. That people always looked for the other part of themselves and would recognize the other half of their soul when they found it. It is an unrealistic story but your little kid brain stored that information away and you can't help but think of it now. 

Lexa leads you to a black Prius (of course she'd drive something so responsible) and opens the passenger door for you. It's a sweet gesture, she's full of those and it gives you butterflies to think about how much thought she's putting into these interactions. 

"Okay" she says when you're both situated, "this place is kind of a jaunt but so worth it. My question to you is, and this is very important, do you like Halsey?"

"Oh my God!" you squeal, "I have hardly listened to anything else since Badlands came out!" She smiles widely at that and pushes a few buttons on the touch screen console. She knows all the words to every song and you both spend the entire twenty minute drive singing at the top of your lungs. 

When you get to the restaurant, it seems fairly deserted. Also, a little sketchy, "Don't worry, it looks bad but I swear it's the best kept secret in LA." Lexa whispers, leaning in close like it really is a secret. You can feel her breath on your bare shoulder and you can barely breath. "Come on," she whispers again and she's out the door before you can even process the sensory overload that just occurred. 

Lexa opens the car door for you again and holds out her arm for you to take with a dramatic flair. You link your arm through hers and the feeling of skin in skin causes a new wave of butterflies in your stomach. You walk in to the restaurant like that and when she finally pulls away to sit across from you in a booth, you instantly miss the contact. 

The inside of the building isn't inspiring any more confidence that the outside did. It's dingy and sparsely decorated with what you think must be Japanese characters on scrolls. The linoleum floors are grimy and old and the red booths have more than a few tears in them. The waiter, who seems to appear from nowhere, is 80 years old if he's a day. 

"Lexa!" He greets excitedly. She comes here often you see. "Who's you're friend?" The man has no accent at all but his voice shakes with age. 

"This is Clarke," She says motioning at me, "Clarke, this is Lee. He makes the best sushi. Well, the best everything but especially sushi." You smile up at this old man and nod in acknowledgment. He nods back before turning to Lexa.

"You want the usual?" He asks 

"Do you trust me?" Lexa asks. The question is directed at me. You nod. You do trust her, though you're not sure why. You barely know her. "Yep, we'll have the usual."

"Very good." The waiter nods and disappears into the kitchen. He comes back moments later to place steaming cups of tea in front of both of you, only to shuffle back the way he came. 

"Okay, tell me about yourself." You demand gently. 

"What do you want to know?" 

"Everything." You mean it, too. 

"Ummm, okay everything. We could be here a while." She laughs and seems nervous all of a sudden. Something happened, she's not the same. That thought bounces around in your head but you don't verbalize it. There will be time for all that, you hope, after you get to know each other a little more.

"Cliff notes version then. Although, I wouldn't mind hearing the full story someday." Lexa smiles again and seems to relax. 

"Okay, well, I was born in Arizona. My parents still live there but we are not close so I don't see them often. I'm closer with Lincoln's mom than my own. I don't have any siblings, but I have a best friend who is like my sister. Her name is Anya and she still lives in Arizona too, though I try to see her as often as I can. I moved to LA right after high school to go to college. Ummmm, what else. I am a political science major, which I think I already told you. I love to run, listen to music and watch scary movies. I hate studying, but it's literally all I do lately. I also nanny a kid named Aden. He's twelve, so it's not hard work, plus he's pretty cool for a preteen. He'll go to summer camp when school is over next month though. I live in the dorms at UCLA and I love sushi. Does that cover it?"

"For now," You want to know so much more.

"Fair enough. And what about you, Clarke. What's your story?" 

"Let's see, I was born and raised in LA, went to UCLA graduated last year with an art history degree. I started working at Lincoln's gallery about six months ago and I love it. I paint a lot, for the gallery and for private buyers. My mom lives here, she is a surgeon at Cedars-Sinai. My father passed away when I was 16, car accident. Also, no siblings. I hate running, love music and I like scary movies as long as I'm not alone." 

"I'm sorry about your dad, that really sucks." She reaches for your hand across the table, and you take it instantly. It's not pity you feel from Lexa, which is what a lot of people offer, it's empathy and you're comforted by it. 

"Thank you," you offer simply. Lee brings your food out then on long wooden planks and you must admit, it looks really good. You expect Lexa to let go of your hand when the waiter appears, you're kind of used to that reaction. She doesn't let go though, if anything she holds on a little tighter. Lee could care less as he launches into an elaborate description of the sushi you're about to eat. 

"Thank you, Lee" Lexa says and the waiter offers a small bow in response before leaving the table. She lets go of your hand to grab the chopsticks that were brought out with the food and poor a saucer of soy sauce. 

"You try it first, I want to know what you think." Lexa watches you expectantly as you shove a piece of what your guessing is salmon sushi in your mouth. It's really, really good and all you can do is moan your approval. Lexa beams in triumph. "Good, right?"

"Mmmhmmm," You mumble around you full mouth. She giggles and digs in herself, still watching you eat. 

You spend the rest of the meal in easy conversation. You learn Lexa is more of nerd than you thought when she launches into a critique of Harry Potter and all the ways in which it could apply to the political structure in America. You learn she loves junk food and kids, that her favorite color is blue ("I noticed your eyes right away" she reveals) and that she wants to write political speeches someday. 

She's so easy to talk to and you feel yourself revealing more than you want to. You tell her you have a checkered past and she doesn't even bat an eye. You tell her you miss your dad all the time and your mom is hard to talk to these days. You tell her Octavia lives with you and she and Raven are the closest thing to siblings you have. You tell her how much you admire Lincoln and how protective he seems of her. At this she, stiffens just slightly.

"He's protective for a reason. I, I kind of fell apart a while back. It wasn't good. I promise to tell you the whole story someday, if you still want to hear it."

"I'll want to," you tell her automatically. You can't stop the flicker of fear at those words. You've never been good with the long term. You want to do better and for the first time in a long time, maybe for the first time ever, you can see yourself making a real effort. Lexa is special and way too good for you and you want to try. 

She asks if she can take you to the beach, to her favorite spot. Of course you say yes. She reaches for your hand again once you're both in the car and laces her fingers with yours when you say yes. You hold hands the entire way to the beach and there is something so intimate about that simple act, it makes your chest ache. 

Lexa pulls the car into a fairly deserted parking lot and the beach here looks pretty empty too. You can see right away why it's her favorite spot. It's not smooth or pretty, the sand is rough turning into stones toward the water. little weeds peak through in parts and it looks absolutely different from the other places along the ocean you've explored. Lexa grabs a blanket from the trunk of the car and wordlessly leads you to an abandon bench a fair distance from the shore. You sit beside her and she wraps the blanket around your shoulders and hers, forcing you to sit very close together. Not that you mind of course.

"You can see some stars out here," Lexa says, breaking the silence. "Over there," she points to a cluster of barely visible stars above your heads. Her face is so close to yours as she tries to show you what she sees. The stars are beautiful, yes, but they have nothing on Lexa. You turn your head just slightly and find your lips are mere millimeters away from hers. She's so close, you can see the flecks of gold in her eyes, even in the near darkness. Her lips are so full and she smells so good, like jasmine and sage and lemons and sushi and you can't stop the pull you feel so you kiss her. Barely touching your lips to hers, you feel your stomach flip and a pleasant warmth spread through your chest. Her lips are softer than you'd imagined. Lexa kisses you back immediately. She wraps threads her fingers through your hair, gripping the side of your waist gently. The blanket falls to the ground but you're plenty warm now and you find yourself with one hand on Lexa's hip and the other resting on her bare thigh. As far as first kisses go, this one is perfect. She's gentle but you can tell Lexa wants control. Her mouth works fervently against yours and when she runs her tongue along your bottom lip, you open your mouth willingly. The feeling of Lexa's tongue in your mouth unleashes a fire inside you. You pull at her tank top until she has no choice but to move even closer, and wrap your arms around her back so she's flush against you. You can feel her breasts press against yours through the thin layers of material separating the two of you and you deepen this kiss. When Lexa's mouth leaves yours and starts leaving hot, wet, opened mouth kisses down your neck, you let out a noise somewhere between a moan and a scream and you can feel her smile against your skin. You tangle your hands in her hair and gently pull her away so you can look in her eyes. You want this, but not on a beach and not on the first date. You want to do this right.

"I know," Lexa whispers, breathless, "Too fast. I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself."

"Don't be sorry, that was, well that was the best kiss I've ever had. You're not bad at that." You kiss her quickly on the lips and try to remember how to breath again. "I just, if we don't slow down I won't be able to. I want this, I just want to do it right." 

"Me too," Lexa smiles. "I should get you home, it's getting cold out here." 

Lexa threads her fingers through yours the second you're in the car and you squeeze her hand in gentle reassurance. Your heart is still beating like a hummingbird but you feel oddly calm as you ride back to your apartment in silence. When Lexa pulls into a parking space outside your building, she lets go of your hand and takes a shaky breath. 

"I have a confession to make," Her eyes are glued to the steering wheel and you try to brace yourself for whatever she's about to say. "I'm a virgin. I feel like it's only fair to tell you. I mean, I'm not assuming anything. I want us to, umm, well, I want you. Eventually I mean. I just, I wanted you to know in case I'm horrible or spazy or, whatever-"

"Lexa, look at me" you interrupt and she looks at you over her glasses again. You'd be lying if you said you weren't surprised by this information but it doesn't change the way you feel. "I like you so much and I think the fact that you are a virgin is kinda cool actually." 

"Really?"

"Yes. Don't worry, you're not going to scare me away that easily." She smiles at that but you can see the fear in her eyes. Something happened. You wonder for the millionth time what is was. You can't stop yourself from kissing her again. It's gentle this time, speaking words that neither of you can just yet. 

Lexa walks you to your door and kisses you again before promising to text you when she got back to the dorms. You are on cloud nine when you open the door to your apartment and find Octavia and Raven not so subtlety trying to act like they weren't just spying on you through the peep hole. Nothing could ruin your mood tonight, so you shut the door behind you and prepare yourself for a long night of questions, already counting down the hours until you can see Lexa again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa get to know each other a lot better. Some secrets are revealed and there are a lot of feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning-mentions of attempted sexual assault, death and underage drinking. Forgive the mistakes, I wanted to get this chapter out there while I had the idea so I wrote it at work lol.

You spend a full hour that night gushing to Raven and Octavia about your date and the rest of the evening being peppered with question and enduring endless amount of teasing. Tomorrow in Sunday and none of you have to go to work so you kind of just watch movies and enjoy you're friends company. Lincoln shows up so late into the night that you tease him about being a booty call. 

"The only people who come to their girlfriends apartment at two in the morning want only one thing." You say while wagging your finger. You're mostly teasing but you also love Octavia more that almost anyone on the planet and you cringe at the thought of her being used by the man you set her up with. 

"Relax, Mama Bear, I am not here for that. I was on the phone all night with some freak in Europe who is supposed to be the next up and coming artist. I'm trying to get a piece for the gallery, which by the way, is technically your job but I heard about your date with Lexa so I took one for the team." 

"See, Clarke, Lincoln really is the best guy ever." Octavia yawns from her perch on the arm of the couch. "I made him come over, I missed him!" Lincoln walks over and plants a quick kiss on Octavia causing Raven to groan dramatically. 

"Jesus H. I either need to get a boyfriend or new friends. If I see one more gross display of affection in front of me, I will literally throw up," she says. Lincoln chuckles and Raven tosses a throw pillow at him, hitting him square in the face. 

"And that's why Clarke is my favorite of Octavia's friends." He drawls in mock outrage. 

"I'm so hurt, not" Raven sticks her tongue out at him and you briefly marvel at the lack of maturity in the room. "Besides, Clarke is gaga for your little cousin. See how long she stays your favorite when they're banging."

"Raven!" You shout, you're a little mortified "Don't be so crass."

"I'm just being realistic. I see the way you two are with each other. It's terribly gross and also kind of adorable. In a gross way." You're glaring daggers into Ravens skull but she ignores you and goes back to laying on your couch, "I'm sleeping here, btw. I'm way too tired to move." 

"How was the date?" Lincoln asks. He's settled into the recliner now, Octavia happily snuggled on his lap.

"Don't get her started, please. We'll be here all night and I want to go to bed!" Octavia whines from her perch. 

"It was really, really nice. Octavia can fill you in on the rest, I am going to bed." You march down the hallway to your room, "Don't do anything nasty on the chair!" You shout as an afterthought.   
When you finally change into pajamas and collapse into your bed, you check your phone for the first time since you put in on the charger when you got home. There is a text from your friend, Wells, which you read and make a mental not to reply to tomorrow and one from Lexa as well.

[Lexa]

I had a great time with you tonight. I know it's ridiculous to ask to see you again so soon, but do you want to hang out tomorrow? Maybe a movie or something? I have class all week and tons of homework and I know you have work I'm just worried I won't see you all week. I'm rambling. Again. Just let me know. 

You regret not seeing the text right away but you type out your response immediately, explaining that your friends were grilling you and you'd put your phone away. You tell her you most definitely want to hand out tomorrow and instruct her to text you whenever she wakes up to finalize plans. You could get used to this, falling asleep with Lexa on the brain. 

///

You wake up to the sound of your text tone going off in rapid succession. You're not sure what time it is, but it feels ridiculously early. When you glance at your phone with blurry eyes, you see that it is, indeed, early. 8 am to be exact. You open the text app and find three messages from Lexa;

[Lexa]

Good morning, beautiful:) I got your text, still on for today? 

[Lexa]

Oh My God, I just noticed how early it is. You're probably sleeping. Ignore this text.

[Lexa]

Don't ignore it, ignore it. I still wanna hang out. It's just early and I probably woke you up. Now I've sent three texts and you're probably sleeping so...yeah. 

She's even a nerd through text. You laugh out loud at her nervous rambling before shooting a text asking what dorm room and what hall she's in and telling her you'll be there at one to take her to lunch. She sends the information back immediately. You try to go back to sleep for a while but you can't get your mind to shut off so you just get up and shower instead.

Raven is snoring loudly, face down on the couch where you left her. You pad as quietly as you can to the bathroom and shower as quickly as possible. When you emerge in a cloud of steam and a towel, Raven is not so patiently waiting to use the bathroom.

"I have to pee so bad," she murmurs before rushing into the bathroom and closing the door. You love your friends, you remind yourself, no matter how obnoxious they can be. 

"I'm going to go home and shower and what not" She announces as soon as the bathroom door opens. "What are you doing today?"

"Um, actually I'm going to take Lexa to lunch." You feel a little guilty because you know Raven wants to hang out today. Raven, to her credit, smiles widely at that information.

"You've got it so bad," You roll your eyes at her words but she sincerely adds, "I'm happy for you. You deserve to be happy after everything. Not everyone is Finn."

"I know, I know. Hey, I've dated since Finn." You have. Kind of.

"Niylah? Honey she was a rebound. A sweet, hot rebound but still. And all those one night stands do not count either so don't even try it."

"Fine, you're right." You relent

"Always." She says with a wink. "Well I'm out, tell Octavia I said bye and tell Lincoln to fuck off."

"I'm not telling him that." You laugh

"Fine then. Text me later, I want more details. Gotta live vicariously through someone." Raven kisses your cheek and bounds out the door without waiting for a response. You think about what she said though. You deserve to be happy. Sometimes, you wonder if that is true. You've made a lot of mistakes. You've tried to make relationships work and so far they just haven't. You think about Lexa and know, deep down, that she probably deserves so much better than you and the tiny prickle of fear creeps into your brain again. You push it away. You know you can do this and you owe it to yourself to at least try.

////

You pick Lexa up in front of her dorms. You have every intention of going up to her room and knocking on her door like a proper gentleman but when you pull up to her building, she's already waiting outside. She's wearing shorts again although these ones are made of some lacy material and are much, much shorter. You think you may be a leg girl because you can't really take your eyes away from Lexa's long, tan legs. She has on a plain white t-shirt that doesn't quite meet her shorts. The tiny strip of skin revealed there is enough to make you're mouth go dry. She's shifting her weight from one foot to the other, eyes darting around. You didn't think to tell her what kind of vehicle you were driving and you realize she won't recognize you through the tinted windows. 

You roll down the passenger side window and shout, "Hey little girl, want some candy?" She looks startled for half a second before she realizes it's you and climbs in to your giant SUV, grinning widely. 

"You jerk, you scared me!" Lexa scolds, but she's till grinning so you don't take it too hard.

"Sorry, I couldn't resist." You lean over kiss her chastely on the cheek. When you try to pull away, she turns her head and captures your lips with hers. It's a soft kiss but you can still feel the fire burning just below the surface. You're the first to break away, you wouldn't want to lose control and jump her in the parking lot of the UCLA dorms. That would be a terrible first time story. 

"Hi," Lexa whispers. Her voice is all gravely and low. Ugh, She is not going to make this whole not jumping her thing easy at all. 

"Hey," you whisper back. You lean in and kiss her quickly one more time. You can't help yourself. "You hungry?" 

"Very. Where are we going?"

"Well, I thought I'd stick with the theme of good food from ridiculously sketchy places. There is a hot dog stand downtown with the best hotdogs you've ever tasted." 

"I love hotdogs!" Lexa says excitedly. "I went to a renascence fair once where they served hotdogs made oaf boar. They called them roast beast dogs." Of course Lexa would go to renascence fairs. Such a nerd. A really, really cute nerd.

"You are a nerd and I kinda really dig it." She ducks her head shyly so you place your hand on her thigh and squeeze it in gentle reassurance. She smiles up at you and you know it was the right move. You leave your hand on her thigh, her bare thigh, the entire drive. You are unconsciously drawing patterns and you don't realize you're hand has traveled higher, almost to the edge of her shorts, until you hear a sharp intake of breath coming from Lexa. As soon as you realize where your hand is, you withdraw in immediately.

"I'm so sorry," you breath out.

"God, don't be sorry. I didn't hate that" her cheeks are flushed and you cannot help but imagine all the other noises you could drag out of the girl, all the other ways to leave her breathless and blushing. 

The street you want finally comes into view. You have to circle the block twice before you find a parking spot. 

"This is where the gallery is," Lexa notices

"Yep, how do you think I found out about the hotdogs? I want to show you some of the paintings I've been working on. My studio is attached to the gallery." 

"I'd really love to see your work, Clarke." Lexa's voice has gone very serious and she is looking at you with shining eyes. It's a big deal. You don't usually allow people into your studio or let them sift through your paintings or sketches. So many of your pieces are for you, not meant for the world to see. You've never been good at talking about emotions so you paint, you draw, you allow that to be your outlet. You wonder, briefly, why it seems so much easier to share yourself with Lexa that with anyone else. You don't dwell on it too long though, you know there isn't a rational explanation. Sometimes, things just are. 

///

Lexa lets you order her hotdog for her, differing to your "hotdog expertise." She seems to enjoy the food and you eat in comfortable silence while you walk to your studio. By the time you unlock the door, you are really nervous. The studio is a mess. You start to think of all the things you have, paintings of your mother, of Octavia, Raven, Niylah, Finn. The dozens of your father. It's too late to turn back now. You unlock the door and walk through, standing off to the side. Lexa enters and her breath hitches immediately. 

"It's really messy," you start to say but Lexa is already walking around, picking up sketches off the table and taking in the half finished paintings on easels all around the room. 

"You are so talented. These are amazing. I don't know much about art but these are so good." you don't know what to say to that, so you just watch her take everything in. She picks up a sketchbook, and your heart skips a beat as she begins to look through it. 

"Who's this?" She asks when she comes across a rough sketch of Finn. You could never draw him just right. He seems to be fading from your memory like the boy you knew and the boy you remember have merged into some half being you cannot imagine. You take a deep breath and motion for Leza to sit on the bench in the corner of the room. You sit beside her and decide to lay it all out for her. You tell her about Finn, about what happened. About the alcohol, the cheating, the steady decline. You tell her about how you cried and how you still feel a little guilty. You tell her about Niylah and how perfectly sweet she was. You tell her about the hook-ups and the drugs you tried to numb some of your pain. You tell her about your mother, that she's smart and she loves you. You tell her how she works all the time and you think you look a little too much like your father because your mother always looks at you with sad eyes. You tell her how you don't see your mother as much as you should because it hurts you to see her sad. You tell her about your dad, too. You tell her about the happy things because that what you like to remember. You tell her everything and she listens quietly. When you're finished, you look at your hands in your lap, waiting for her to flee or ask impossible questions or tell you she is not okay with your past. She doesn't do any of those things. Lexa tilts your chin up but you can't meet her eyes. 

"Clarke, look at me." You do. "You are so strong, do you know that?" You shake your head. "You are. Everything you told me just makes me like you more." She kisses you and her lips are trembling. The kiss is so soft and she makes no move to deepen it. Lexa is trying to convey words she cannot verbalize, you realize. You've been given something special and rare in this girl. You have never been more sure of anything in your life

"I told you I'd tell you what happened with me," Lexa begins. I want to do that now, if you still want to hear it. 

"I do," you assure her. Your stomach flips in anticipation of what she's going to tell you. You're worried. Not that it will change how you feel, but that it's something devastating. You feel the protective instinct again and you prep yourself for what's to come. 

"It's a long story, but let me finish okay?"

You put your hand on her thigh again, much lower close to her knee. "I'm listening." You say in the softest voice you can muster and Lexa takes a deep breath before beginning. 

"I met Costia when we were 14 and from that moment on, we were inseparable. We did everything together. My parents were shitty and hers were amazing so I kind of became a fixture at their house. I don't really remember when I fell in love with her, but I did. I know a lot of people would say that we were too young to be in love but we were and it was very real. Everything was so innocent for so long and it was close to perfect for a while. We didn't do much in the beginning, just held hands a lot and kissed sometimes. We were just kids. The older we got, the more Costia started to get into trouble. She was really pretty and she always looked older that she was. I was tall and skinny and looked every bit a teenager but she filled out early in life. She got invited to all kinds of parties, all the boys wanted her and I was always so jealous. When we were 16, Costia got invited to a party full of college kids and she insisted I come along. The party was at some frat house, and everyone was so drunk. Costia kept drinking and drinking and I couldn't stop her. When some older kids decided it would be a fun idea to break into the pool she wanted to go along so badly. I pleaded with her not to because I was afraid we'd get in trouble. She was not herself and she kept calling me lame and a baby so I went with them just to prove her wrong. 

God, the second we got there, I knew, I just knew something bad was going to happen. There were a lot of older guys I didn't know and of course they were all over Costia. I was so jealous and so upset I kind of just withdrew into a corner. Everyone was laughing and splashing and not really paying attention. A guy came over and sat with me. At first he was so sweet, he asked what was wrong and offered to take me home. I told him I had to wait for Costia and he suggested we wait in the changing room. He put his hands on me, and I just knew what he wanted. I tried to push him away and it made him so angry. He lunged at me and he had me pinned in a corner before I knew what was happening. His hands were all over me kissed me to shut me up. When I finally pushed him back enough, I screamed so loud. The sound just seemed to echo forever and everyone went silent. Costia looked at me like she'd seen a ghost, her whole face went white. I'll never forget the look in her eyes, she was scared and angry. I'd never seen her so upset, she got out of the pool in just her bra and underwear, soaking wet, and stomped over to where we were sitting. She kicked the guy right in the ribs and screamed at him to never fucking touch me again. She was trying to defend me, to protect me. They guy jumped to his feet and just started pushing her and screaming things at her. Everyone in the place, it seemed, made a beeline to Costia but it was too late, he pushed her so hard she fell and hit her head on the corner of the pool and fell into the water. I didn't see the blood at first so I though maybe she okay. I was still sitting in the same spot, just too stunned to move. Everyone else ran to the side of the pool and I remember one girl screaming, and I just knew. Someone fished her out of the water and she wasn't moving. When I finally made it over, I saw the entire pool had turned red with Costia's blood. She was dead on impact, the coroner said. Her head hit just right on the sharp edge of the pool gutter. The whole thing was my fault. She died defending me. I could have, should have tried harder to handle that guy without screaming. I should have tried harder to talk her out of going to that party, tried harder to keep her from going to that pool. 

We never had sex. I wanted to wait until the right time, whatever that means. I never really told her how much she meant to me. I never got to say goodbye and she died knowing I was upset with her. Her parents were devastated. I don't think they blamed me, but I wasn't invited back to their home afterwards, not that I would have went. Everything reminded me of her for so long. My own parents didn't offer much support. The guy, Mark was his name, only went to jail for ten months. Costia's life was only worth ten months. They said it was an accident but I don't see it like that at all. I just, I can't forgive myself entirely for what happened. I feel like part of me died with Costia that night. For a long time, the thought of letting anyone touch me brought back memories of that man touching me, hurting me. It made me think of how I would never touch Costia and it was all too scary to get passed. 

I haven't felt connected to anyone since then, until you. I mean sure, I've been attracted to people but never enough to act on anything. Nobody has ever been worth the risk. You are. I can't explain it, I knew you were different from the moment Lincoln dragged you over to meet me in the gallery. I think I can trust you, you make me feel like I can, like I'm safe. I want you, Clarke. I just want you to know that I'm messed up. I am going to need patience and I know that is so much to ask. You're gorgeous and funny and you've been so, so gentle. I know you could have anyone and that I am a lot more work than most people but I want this, I want you."

You feel something wet running down your cheeks and you realize you are crying. You're crying for this perfect, sweet, innocent girl. You feel Lexa wipe the tears from your cheeks with the pads of her thumbs and before you can think about your actions, you're launching yourself at her. You pepper her face with kisses, holding her head between your hands with such force you know it has to hurt. When you pull away she's looking at you with wide eyes.

"Lexa, I know so many people have probably said this to you but what happened was not your fault. It wasn't. I'm sorry that happened to you, I'm sorry you lost someone so special to you. I'm sorry you didn't have a support system to help you through it. I'm here now, though. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be as patient as you need me to be, you deserve that. You deserve everything." You are still crying but Lexa just looks at you like you hung the moon. You pull her into a fierce hug and she lets you hold her for a long time. 

"That was a lot of information such a short while into this relationship." She mumbles against your chest where her head it buried. 

"Is this a relationship?" You ask, stunned.

"I dunno. I mean, I want it to be, if you do."

"I do." Lexa pulls away from you and looks into your eyes.

"You do?" She asks, "You sure?"

"I'm sure. I feel like I've known you forever. I know it has been a ridiculously short amount of time. We are such a stereotype right now, but I'm okay with that."

"So, you're my girlfriend?" Lexa asks with awe in her voice.

"I am," you assure her and prove it with a kiss. "As your official girlfriend, I feel it is my duty to lighten the mood a little. Wanna go to a movie?"

She giggles and kisses you again. "I really do." 

///

You drop Lexa off at the dorms. Although you really want her to come home with you, you understand that she needs time and you don't even ask. You kiss her with more tenderness than you've ever kissed anyone and you feel the start of something bloom in your chest. You're in so deep. You watch this perfect girl, your girlfriend, walk into her dorm building and feel luckier than you've ever felt. You're going to have to figure something out, because you know going a whole week without seeing Lexa is going to actually kill you.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is kind of a filler chapter but I wanted to move this along a bit and get something out there! Next chapter will contain a lot of smut so enjoy the innocence while you can lol.
> 
> Thanks for all the kudos and comments!

Your week is really busy. There are several shipments coming in and you have to be there to personally oversee all of them. There is a show coming up and it's always hectic. Usually, it's not a big deal, you live for the busy times. You have Lexa now though and it sucks being too busy to see her every day. You text and talk on the phone every chance you get, but it's not the same. Lexa's week has been hectic too. Full of studying and tests and stress. On Friday, you tell Lincoln you can absolutely not stay late and he doesn't argue. In fact, he tells you Octavia is planning to stay the night at his place and you're not entirely sure what he's insinuating but you appreciate the information.

You agonize for a while as to whether inviting Lexa to hang out at your place is a good idea. Normally, you wouldn't think twice before inviting someone over but you know the connotations it holds and you don't want Lexa to feel like you expect something from her. It's weird, the amount of thought you put into these little things now, how desperately you want to do this right. It's weird but it's also good. In the end, you decide to invite her over. It will be nice to just hang out in comfy clothes, watch movies and talk, no pressure.

Lexa agrees to come over. She doesn't seem nervous at all and you can't help the gentle swell of your heart at the thought that she is comfortable with you. She trusts you. Don't fuck it up. You repeat that mantra many times in the hour you spend waiting for Lexa. You're always so worried about what to wear around her, especially now. You don't want it to seem like you're trying too hard but you also still want to look nice. You finally decide on a pair of form fitting Capri style grey yoga pants (that make your butt look fabulous) and low cut fitted blue t-shirt. You try to tidy as best you can but realize she'll eventually find out about your less than stellar housekeeping skills, may as well be now. 

////  
Lexa sits in the middle of the couch so you have no choice but to sit close to her. Damn, she's good at this. For all her bravado, you can see the telltale signs of nervousness in her demeanor. She has her hands clasped tightly together on her lap and back is straight as a board. You can play this game, too. You sit beside Lexa, as close as possible. The remote is on the far side of the coffee table and you could just ask for it to be passed to you, but that wouldn't be as fun as what you have in mind.   
You lean your entire body across Lexa's. Slowly and as seductively as possible, you stretch and reach for the remote. You arch your back just slightly so you're effectively on your hands and knees over her and her breath quickens audibly. You realize you've miscalculated Lexa's level of nervousness though because when you go to sit back down, she grabs at your waste, throwing you off balance. She hooks one hand under your thigh, forcing your leg over hers until you're straddling her lap. Wow. Unexpected but entirely welcome. She rests her hands gently on your rib cage and when you look at her, she is looking back up at you with wide eyes and parted lips. 

"You are the prettiest thing I've ever seen." She whispers so quietly, you're not sure she meant to speak at all.

She seems nervous again and the sudden jumps from confidence to uncertainty melt your heart. It's like she knows what she wants but isn't sure how to go about getting it. Well, who are you to deny Lexa what she wants? You place one hand on either side of Lexa's head on the back of the couch and lean up and forward enough that your breasts are mere inches from her face. You watch her eyes open in pique, transfixed it seems, before you lean down and capture her mouth in what is meant to be a teasing kiss. Lexa deepens it instantly, pushing her tongue into your mouth. You kiss back with equal fervor and when your teeth scrape roughly against her bottom lip, Lexa whimpers. She honest to god whimpers and you swallow the sound. It's the sexiest thing you've ever heard so you do it again, catch her lip between your teeth and nip a little harder before soothing it with your tongue.

Lexa slips into a new state of arousal and suddenly, her hands are everywhere. She runs them down your chest, cupping your breasts roughly through your shirt and bra and you keen and arch into the touch. You attach your mouth to Lexa's neck leaving hot, wet, open mouth kisses. When you reach the sensitive spot under her ear, Lexa moans loadly so you bite down lightly and then suck hard enough to leave a bruise. Good, you think. Everyone will know this girl is yours. Lexa's hips roll hard underneath you, rocking into your core and your elbows almost buckle when her hands find their way under your shirt. You feel her blunt nails scrape along the length not your back and a fresh wave of arousal rushes to your core. 

You want this. You want her. You want it all so fucking bad. You, however, want to do this right. You want to get to know her, you want to make your first time together, her first time ever, special. You know first hand that relationships built on a foundation of sex tend to crumble. You don't want that. It's going to be hard to wait, for Lexa too judging by the rolling of her hips and the tiny mewling sounds she's making. Just a little while longer, you decide and its with that thought that you gently push yourself back and settle on Lexa's lap. She's panting, eyes hooded. Jesus, she's so beautiful.

"So are you," she husks. You must have spoken aloud.

"Lexa, we have to stop before I can't." Your voice is so whiney. Your body wants this so, so much but your heart and your brain both know this is the right thing to do. 

"Don't wanna," she counters. 

"Me either, babe, me either." You run your fingers through her hair, trying to calm down, to comfort. "I have to do this right. You deserve that. I, I want things to be perfect, I want you to remember this as romantic and beautiful not rushed and messy. I want, I want so much, Lexa." 

"I get it," she coos," I thought I'd be more nervous about my first time. I am nervous, don't get me wrong. I mean, what if I mess it up?"

"There is no way to mess it up, Lexa. Look at you, you're perfect." You're being terribly sappy but you can't seem to reel it in.

"I dunno about that. But, I feel like we'll be okay. I trust you. I get wanting to wait but let's not wait too long, okay?" She says it so earnestly you can't help but giggle in agreement and nod your head emphatically. 

"No, not too long at all." You promise.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is just full of smut and feels. I apologize in advance!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not great at writing the naughty bits, be gentle lol.

"You're freaking out," Octavia observes from her perch on the counter in your shared kitchen where you are currently pacing. "Why are you freaking out?" 

"I'm not freaking out." You totally are. Lexa is spending the night tonight. Lincoln had invited Octavia to his house and she, not at all subtlety, suggested you invite Lexa over in her absence. You had text her immediately because of course you wanted Lexa to spend the night. At the time, you hadn't been thinking of the implications of inviting your girlfriend over for a sleep over. Now, however, now it was all you could think about. 

You and Lexa have been dating for just over a month and so far, it's going really well. She gets you in ways you didn't think possible and while you are both polar opposites from one another in a lot of ways, somehow you just work. You know you've never felt this way about someone before and it's scaring you more that you will admit. You are giving this girl the power to hurt you and trusting her not to. In your experience, giving that power to someone has never gone well. You've been hurt more than you can say and it's scary to trust someone with yourself in that way but you trust Lexa.

More importantly, you want Lexa to trust you. This month with her has been perfect in so many ways but the physical aspect of your relationship has yet to progress to sex and that's largely because of you. You cannot count the number of make out sessions that could have easily gone further. You cannot deny how much you want this, how much you want Lexa and judging by the way you catch her looking at you, she wants the same thing. The problem is, you don't want her to think that all you want is sex. You know that's the reputation you've earned and no doubt one that she's heard about. You want to make sure that Lexa's first time is special, that she doesn't regret it. You are nervous as hell but also so ready to take that step. 

Lexa agreed to come over without hesitation. She seems excited and keeps sending you texts to ask what she should bring telling you how much she is looking forward to waking up next to you. Her texts have become rather flirtatious and you are freaking out because she is ready too. Now there are no more excuses, you're doing this. 

"Earth to Clarke!" Octavia practically shouts. Apparently, you were lost in that little train of thought for longer than you thought. 

"Sorry, what did you say?"

"I said, Why are you freaking out?" She huffs dramatically. 

You haven't disclosed the fact that Lexa is a virgin, that's private information, not yours to share. Octavia is aware that you and Lexa haven't gone all the way yet though. 

"Ugh. I guess I'm just super nervous," you admit.

"Because you and Lexa are finally gonna do it?"

"I need you to stop saying things like that, Octavia, it is not helping me!" Octavia hops off the counter and walks over to you, effectivly stopping your pacing by grabbing your shoulders and forcing you to look at her.

"Geez," she breaths out, "I have never seen you this worked up over sex. You must really like this girl."

"I do. I'm just so scared I'll mess it up, ya know. That's what I do, mess things up."

"No, it isn't." Octavia insists, "You don't mess things up, Clarke. Sometimes things are just messed up. I've seen the way you two look at each other, don't borrow trouble." 

"You're right, O." She is right. Maybe this is so scary because it's finally right. 

////

Lincoln picks up Octavia and gives you a short but very sweet, "intentions" talk. You love that he is so protective of Lexa. 

When she shows up at your apartment a short time after Octavia and Lincoln leave, she looks so, so gorgeous. Her long legs are on display in very short, pink, cotton shorts, (you wonder if she actually owns pants, not that you're complaining at all) and she is wearing a long sleeve t-shirt that falls over her shoulder revealing a black bra strap. She's clutching a small duffle back in one arm and a grocery bag in the other. You kiss her sweetly when you take the grocery bag from her and she breaths a shaky sigh of relief. You realize how nervous she must be and decide right then and there to put your issues on the back burner. 

"You look really pretty," Lexa says and you blush a little at the compliment. You're wearing a floral romper with spaghetti straps and denim vest over it. 

"Thank you, you look really nice too." She smiles widely and you think you may never ever get enough of that smile. "Do you want a drink?" 

"God, yes," she laughs, "I could really use one."

"Why, Lexa, you seem rather nervous. Expecting something fun to happen tonight?" You cannot help but tease her and when her cheeks turn a deep red and she lowers her gaze to the floor, your heart swells with affection. "I'm teasing, babe." You assure her but as move to walk away toward the kitchen, she grabs your wrist.

"I am expecting something fun tonight. Well, not expecting but hoping." She holds eye contact but her voice is unsteady and her grip on your wrist is almost painful. "I, I know you don't want to rush me because you're...you. Amazing and patient and thoughtful, but I want this. I'm ready, Clarke. I mean if you are, I'm not assuming you're ready or that you even want to do....this, I'm just saying I..."

You surge forward and capture Lexa's mouth in a bruising kiss, walking her backwards until her back hits the closed door behind her. She drops her duffle bag and you're dimly aware of the sound it makes as it hits the carpet with a soft thud. She grabs on to your hips for support and you take her face into your hands, breaking the kiss.

"Are you sure?" You whisper, partially afraid she'll change her mind. 

Lexa doesn't answer with words, she tugs at your hips and brings your body flush with hers. A small gasp escapes you at the feel of your bodies touching so fully and she swallows the sound when she kisses you, steady and hard. You let your fingers travel lightly over Lexa's neck and her bare shoulder, marveling at the softness of her skin, and then boldly cup her small breasts. You can feel her nipples harden under your touch, even through the layers of her bra and shirt, and you gently rub your thumbs over the stiff peaks. She gasps sharply and you take the opportunity to push your tongue into her mouth. She responds instantly, moaning softly and opening her mouth wider. Her hands slide from your hips to your ass and she kneads roughly and the flesh there. 

Your knees are threatening to give out already and she's barely touching you. Without breaking the kiss, you pull Lexa the short distance to the couch and guide her to sit with you. You both sit facing slightly inward, toward one another. Lexa tucks her legs underneath herself and you wrap one leg around her and steady yourself with the other planted on the floor. 

When you finally break this kiss, you're both gasping hard for air. Lexa looks so beautiful in that moment, lips swollen, hair wild, eyes shining as she looks at you. You're amazed that this girl is trusting you so fully and you realize your heart isn't the only one on the line here. You're in this together. 

Lexa tangles her hands in your hair and tugs your head to the side, exposing your neck. Her lips leave searing kisses along the length and you forget how to breath for a moment. You feel her hands slip under your vest, briefly running over your breasts before pushing the material over your shoulders. You pull away long enough to help get it the rest of the way off and toss it to the floor. Lexa spends a long time running her fingers over your shoulders and along your collar bone. You watch her with reverence, letting her set the pace as much as possible. 

When she looks at you, your eyes meet and you notice that her pupils are blown, so much so that the green is barely visible. You can see the desire in them and it rocks you to your core. 

Lexa pulls you into her lap, it's an awkward angle but she doesn't seem to care. Her hands run up and down your thighs and you shiver at her touch. She's kissing your neck again and you surrender yourself to her entirely, letting her set the pace for now. 

When her hands settle on your waist, she growls in frustration at the inability to get to skin through the romper. Her hands are everywhere, searching for buttons you think. You can't help the giggle that bubbles up in your throat at her eagerness so you kiss her softly and remove yourself from her lap. You slowly undo the buttons at the front of your clothes and seductively hold eye contact with Lexa as you slide the material of your shoulders at let it pool at your feet leaving you in the light blue matching bra and panties you'd picked out especially for this night. Lexa's mouth drops open as she unabashedly looks you over. The hunger in her eyes sends a fresh wave of arousal to your already soaked center.

"Bedroom. Please." You hold out your hand and Lexa takes it. Without letting go you lead her to your bedroom and as soon as you close the door behind you, you descend on her, cupping your hands around her neck and kissing her with everything you have. 

Lexa seems almost shy now that there is so much of your skin for her to touch. She rests her hands on your waist and you spin her around and walk her backwards to the side of your bed. You push her gently down until she is sitting on the edge of the mattress and only then do you break this kiss. She is looking up at you with such trust and such obvious want that it makes your head spin. 

"You are so beautiful, Lexa." You whisper. She closes her eyes and draws an unsteady breath, resting her forehead on your stomach. 

"Clarke, I need...I need..." she trails off. You'd love to hear it, to hear her tell you what she needs but you know the words are hard to say and you already know what it she needs. You have no intention of stopping until she gets it. 

"Scoot up onto the pillows," you command gently and she complies without hesitation. There are a lot of pillows on your bed and Lexa lays back on the pile, half laying half sitting in the sea of white throw pillows with her legs bent at the knee. She looks angelic with her hair fanning out around her. Her chest is heaving and her mouth is parted in a little 'O' shape. You climb on to the bed and push her knees apart, settling between her legs. 

You brace yourself with one hand on the headboard, letting the other comb through Lexa's soft hair. You want to say so much but the words get stuck in your throat when she surges forward and kisses you. You let your hand travel from Lexa's hair to her neck, down her side and under the material of her shirt. You gasp at the feeling of hot skin under your finger tips and decide you need more. Now. You rear back on your knees and pull Lexa with you until she is sitting. 

"May I?" You ask softly tugging at Lexa's shirt for emphasis. She raises her arms as an answer and you waist no time pulling it off her. Her bra is simple and black and it barely contains her breasts. Without asking for permission, you reach around and unclasp it. Lexa takes it the rest of the way off, tossing it beside the bed in the growing pile of discarded items. 

"Oh my God," you breath, pushing her shoulders gently until she is laying among the pillows again. Lexa makes a move to cover herself, probably out of habit, but you capture her wrists and bring both her hands up to your lips, kissing each one in turn. 

" I want to see you, Lexa. Please?" She nods and you release her hands with a smile, leaning down to kiss her before beginning your descent. You your time, kissing and nipping at her neck and collar bone, tracing a trail between her breast with your tongue. Lexa is squirming underneath you and it's the sexiest thing.

"Clarke!" The pitch of her voice is high and needy and you decide to stop teasing. You take one perfect nipple into your mouth and let your fingers scissor the other. Lexa makes a sound somewhere between a scream and a moan and you thing it's most beautiful sound you've ever heard. Her nipple hardens in your mouth as you alternate between licking and sucking gently. You kiss across her chest to lavish equal attention on her other breast and her back arches into your mouth. You could do this forever but there are other places you want to taste so you release her breast with a wet pop and trail kisses down her toned stomach. 

When you swirl your tongue in her belly button, her hips fly off the mattress, seeking friction. You hook your fingers in the waistband of her shorts and underwear and find her eyes with yours.

"Is this okay?' You ask

"Please. Please, Clarke." She lifts her hips and you slide away the last remaining barriers. You sit back and look up at the sight before you. Lexa is naked in your bed, propped up slightly, chest heaving, eyes hooded. Her legs are spread wide to accommodate your body. She is so exposed, so open that it takes your breath away. How she must trust you to let herself be so vulnerable. You silently hope you are deserving of such trust. 

You let your eyes travel to Lexa's center, to the dark, damp patch of hair there. She is so wet and you feel a swell of pride knowing you did that. The scent of her arousal hits your nose and you let our a guttural sound. You need to taste her. Now. 

You slide your hands along the inside of her thighs, encouraging her to open her legs even wider as you shimmy onto your stomach. You look up at Lexa but she has an arm thrown over her eyes and her whole body is undulating in anticipation. 

You use your forearm to steady her hips as the fingers of your free hand spread Lexa's outer lips intimately. As soon as you touch her, she starts making this low, mewling sound and it's so, so hot. She's wet, so wet she's literally dripping and you drag your index finger through her folds experimentally. Lexa's hips rise up off the mattress, chasing the contact, so you replace your finger with your tongue, licking the length of her before pushing your tongue into her slit. 

Lexa tastes so good, like earth and salt and honey. She's moaning now, so loud you're glad Octavia isn't home. You can feel the flutter of her inside walls and you know she won't last much longer. You want her to come in your mouth, you want it now. You wrap your lips around her clit, hard and pulsing, and trace words and shapes along the shaft. You fell Lexa's hands tangle in your hair, holding you in place. When you give up licking and begin to suck her clit gently, she comes undone. Her hips grind against your face and her whole body bows up and off the bed. She remains suspended for a long moment, chanting your name and various curse words. Her thighs tighten around your ears and you can feel the tremors as she comes, coating your chin in a fresh wave of arousal before she collapses back on to the mattress with a thud. 

You lick her clean, running your tongue along every inch of her swollen center until the tremors stop and she's tugging gently on your hair. You make your way up the length of her body, dropping kisses along the way. You extract yourself from on top of Lexa and lay beside her, propping yourself up on one elbow so you can see her. 

"Hi," you say coyly and she smiles at you, wide and real.

"Hey," she whispers back. You kiss her gently and she rolls into you, burying her face in the crook of your neck. you wrap your free arm around her and pull her close. 

"Are you okay?" You ask as you trace shapes along her back.

"I'm pretty okay. That was...wow"

You breath a sigh of relief and kiss her temple. Your hands seem to have a mind of their own because when Lexa gasps sharply, you look down to find that your fingers have moved from her back to her hip, your thumb rubbing circles through coarse hair. 

You should stop, you think briefly, but Lexa is already rolling onto her back giving you more access. 

"Don't stop," she begs. So you don't stop. You roll over and kiss her slowly, letting your hand travel lower and cup Lexa intimately. You moan into her mouth when you feel how wet she is already. You trail a finger through the wetness before sliding it inside her. She's so tight and so hot and so wet. You think you might come from this feeling alone. You hold your finger still, letting Lexa get used to the feeling. When she starts moving her hips, you gently pump your finger in and out, watching her face contort in pleasure. You add another finger, shifting your body so you are on your knees beside her, and curl your fingers inside Lexa, letting your thumb rub against her clit in tight circles. You feel her orgasm build inside her, in the gentle flutter of the muscles surrounding your fingers. You rub her clit faster and harder with your thumb while your fingers find the rough patch on the inside of Lexa's inner walls and curl against it. That's all it takes before Lexa is coming, hard. Her muscles clamp around your fingers and you watch her face while she rides out the waves. Beautiful. 

There is no recovery period this time. Lexa sits up and pushes you back until you're forced to stand beside the bed. She rises to her knees and faces you, reaching behind you to unclasp your bra before yanking it off your body. 

"Take those off." She demands referring to your underwear. You push them unceremoniously over your hips and kick them out of the way. You stand there, letting her look at you. Her eyes rake over your body and she licks her lips unconsciously before reaching for your hips. She pulls you on to the bed and tugs you along as she props herself back on the pillow. Lexa pushes her legs between yours, pulling you into her lap until you are straddling her hips. 

It's an intimate position and you can't stop the wild thought that you can't protect yourself like this. Legs spread wide across Lexa's thighs, exposed, vulnerable. When Lexa tangles her hands in your hair and kisses you, it's the gentlest kiss you've ever felt and your fear evaporates. 

"You're so, so beautiful, Clarke." She whispers when you are finally forced to break the kiss for air. "I want to touch you."

You moan so loudly at that admission, it startles you and when Lexa reaches between your bodies to trail her finger through your abundant wetness, you cannot help but moan again. Lexa whimpers at the moisture she finds there and she swirls her finger around before withdrawing it. You're about to protest but she holds your gaze while she takes her finger, covered in your juices, and puts the digit in her mouth. Her eyes close in ecstasy and she makes an appreciative noise in the back of her throat as she tastes you for the first time. This is the single most erotic moment of your life, you think. 

Lexa's hand travels back to the spot you need her most and she slips two fingers inside you easily. You cannot help the sounds you make or the way your back arches at her touch. The feeling of Lexa's fingers pumping inside you is amazing and you move your hips up and down, effectively riding her. The heal of her hand meets your clit on every thrust and you can already feel yourself getting close. Without warning, Lexa splays her free hand across your back, and steadies you. She wraps her lips around a stiff nipple, mirroring what you did to her earlier, alternating between breasts. That's all it takes to sent you over the edge and you come harder than you ever have. You can feel wetness pouring out of you and when you look down, Lexa's forearm and hand are covered in your juices. That's never happened to you before. Lexa smothers your face in kisses as she slowly withdraws her fingers and you feel like crying at the tenderness of the moment. You kiss her lips gently and try to move off her lap but you feel strong arms encircle your waist, holding you in place. 

"Stay," she begs, "please?" You feel exposed but when you look into Lexa's eyes you see nothing but adoration so you nod and settle back down. 

"This is scary for you, isn't it?" She asks gently, placing sweet kisses along your shoulders, "Opening up to me." She clarifies. There is no malice in her voice, no anger, just gentle curiosity. You think about denying it, but it is scary and Lexa can read you like a book, it seems. You've been hurt before opening up again like this isn't easy. 

You think of Finn, the first person you'd ever slept with the first person you'd had a real relationship with, the first person you'd almost loved. You think about how gentle he'd been in the beginning, how patient and dependable. You think about how you'd known he'd been wrestling his own demons, long before you came along and you think about his steady decline and try to convince yourself it had nothing to do with you. You remember bonding him out of jail after his first DUI, picking him up from seedy bars after benders. You think about all the times you'd cried and begged him to get help and all the times he'd refused. You think about his bar fights and the one time he pushed you. You remember your mother rubbing your back and telling you that you couldn't change someone who wasn't ready and that there was a difference between giving up and moving on. You think about how loud Finn screamed when you told him you couldn't do it anymore, how he begged you not to go. You think about how exhausted you were, how sad. But you also remember the feeling of relief and the guilt of wishing you could care more. You remember the single tear that rolled down his cheek and the fleeting glimpse of the boy you once knew. You think of the call you got from Finns father a few months later, telling you Finn had been involved in an armed robbery and was in prison. You think about how hard you tried to believe you weren't responsible and how you tried to rebuild the parts of you that Finn took with him.

You think about Niylah, beautiful and sweet. You think about how she made you feel loveable again. You think about how you knew from the beginning that you couldn't love her back. Your friend, Raven, had called her a rebound but you didn't want to think of her like that. You think of how hard you tried to build something and of the kind understanding in Niylah's eyes when she broke it off with you, how she promised you were worth loving and how amazing she knew you were. She helped you heal and you think of her often and you are grateful. 

You think of the girl laying beneath you now. How she came crashing into your life when you least expected and completely took you off guard. You think of how she makes you feel free and whole and wanted. How she reminds you that you'd been missing something, a part of yourself and now that she was in your life, you are complete. You think of her wild green eyes, how the shine when they look at you and the smile she rarely shows anyone other than you and how lucky you are. You think about the way your heart races when she kisses you and how the butterflies in your stomach haven't settled since the first day you saw her. You think about how you love her. It is hard to open up, to risk more of yourself when there are pieces of you alread scattered so far. But then you think maybe you had to lose those pieces to find her. Maybe, between the two of you, you could make something whole and good.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a super short, fluffy chapter before I wrap up this story:)

The next morning is perfect. So domestic it's almost too much for you to handle. Lexa takes a shower and gets dressed before you're even ready to get out of bed. Ugh, a morning person. Great.  
She kisses your forehead before demanding you get ready so you can go to breakfast together before practically skipping to the living room, giving you some time to get dressed. 

You put on a pair of short black cargo shorts and a white high low cut T-shirt. Simple enough outfit, you didn't put too much thought into it. When you come out of the bedroom and into the living room where Lexa is waiting for you, the way her eyes go dark and her mouth falls open tells you she approves. Something in her demeanor changes and before you have time to so much as utter a sound, your back is pressed against the front door and Lexa's mouth is on yours and the kiss is all teeth and tongue and you have no idea what happened to warrant such a response an honesty you don't care.

You feel lightheaded when she moves her mouth from yours to trail rough kisses down your neck. You let out a surprised groan when you feel her teeth sink into the sensitive juncture of your shoulder and neck but she sooths the bite with her tongue and you are simultaneously turned on beyond belief and confused.

Lexa has her hands tangled in your hair, while yours hold on to her hips so tight you know it must hurt. Without out warning she cups your breasts over your shirt and you, almost unconsciously, arch into the touch. You'd love to participate, really you would, but your brain is firing on all cylinders and its all you can do to hang on. This raw, primal thirst Lexa has for you right now is turning you on. Its new and you like this dominant side of her so you decide to give up the urge for control and let Lexa do whatever it is she's going to do.

Its with that thought in your mind that you feel impatient fingers tugging at the buttons of your shorts. Even in her haze of lust, Lexa still finds your eyes with hers to silently ask permission. They're hooded and dark, pupils blown and you whisper a horse, "please," before you even know you've opened you mouth. She pops the button and slides her hands inside, pulling them over your hips and letting them pool at your feet. You kick the offending garment off, leaving you in your black boybshort panties.

There is no time to process anything because you feel long, slim fingers slip inside the front of your underwear, draging through the wetness there, which you know is embarrassingly prevalent. Just as suddenly, you feel two fingers thrust inside you and your body bows forward as you shamelessly rut against Lexa's hand. She thrusts as hard and deep as she can in the limitations of the fabric of your panties but its enough, its more than enough and in no time at all you feel the familiar burn in the pit of your stomach. 

Your orgasm hits you so hard and unexpectedly that you feel your knees buckle, but Lexa wraps her free hand around your waste and holds you up so effortlessly. You feel her fingers gently stroking you down and as the last waves or your bliss wash over you, a damb bursts inside your chest. You've never cried after sex but you feel the tears form as your body wracks with quiet sobs. Everything you feel for this girl comes rushing out of you. Its big and real and scary and you want it all. You know Lexa must feel the shudders when she wraps her arms around you but when you bury your face against her neck and she feels your hot tears against her skin, she pulls back like she's been burned. She grabs your shoulders and pushes you away, looking you over with frantic eyes. 

"Clarke," her voice is panicked, "did I hurt you?!" You shake your head vehemently. You're not hurt, you're overwhelmed and so full of feelings. "What's wrong, baby, talk to me. Please." 

"I, nothings wrong, I just..it's so much. I feel so much, I.." You can't find the words but she sees something in your eyes that seems to ease the panic. "Lexa, I, I love you." You close your eyes then and wait for her to laugh or tell you she doesn't feel the same. You wait and you try to prepare for the rejection. 

"Clarke, look at me," its a desperate plea, not a command, but you comply without hesitation. When your eyes meet hers you realize they're wet with unshed tears. "I love you too. So much."

"You do?" 

"I do. You don't even know how much. You, you've made me feel things I never thought I could feel again, you make me feel whole." Her voice is cracking but strong and you tangle your hands in her thick hair, you smell the lavender and sage of her shampoo as you lean in to kiss her and you know you could do this a million times and never tire. She loves you too. She loves you. You kiss her softly, trying so desperately to show her how you feel. You can taste the salt of tears, yours and maybe Lexa's too. Youre such a disaster, half dressed tears streaming down your face. You're broken and messed up and she loves you in spite of that or because of it. She loves you and you know this is what you've been waiting for.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, this is just a fluffy filler chapter. I hope to have this story wrapped up in a few more chapters but it's the 4th of July weekend and I will be so busy so I wanted to get a little update out. Thank you for the kudos and comments, I love reading what you guys think!!

You've created a monster, you think idly as you lay naked and exhausted on the rumpled sheets of your bed. Not that you're complaining of course, quite the opposite in fact. Lexa hasn't let you leave your apartment all day except to go get breakfast and coffee this morning. It's now well past dinner time and your stomach is growling it's protest at the lack of food. 

"I'm starving, Lexa!" You whine as she starts kissing your neck. Her mouth feels amazing but you really want to eat. Food. You want to eat food. 

"Ugh, I can't stop kissing you. I can't think about food right now." She sounds so serious and grumpy at your declaration. It's too adorable. You grab her face and smother it with kisses. Lexa dissolves into a fit of giggles. "Okay, okay. Put some clothes on, I'll feed you!" 

Lexa rifles through her bag and pulls on short jean shorts and a yellow sweatshirt with a kitten on the front. It's the dorkiest thing that you've ever seen and she looks adorable. She piles her long hair on top of her head in a messy bun and retrieves her glasses from the top of your dresser. You just lay in bed and watch her get dressed. She is so beautiful, she doesn't even need to try. 

"Clarke, babe, hurry and get dressed!" Her voice is still whiny, still upset about being forced to leave bed. "I want to hurry up and get this whole eating thing over with. Who knew you'd be so high maintenance." She winks in your direction before leaving the bedroom. 

You manage to find your favorite bra tossed in the far corner of the room but give up looking for the rest of your discarded clothing settling on a pair of black joggers and plain white long sleeve t-shirt. When you glance in the mirror, you can't help but notice the hickeys that dot your neck. Those will be fun to explain to Lincoln. 

When you emerge from the bedroom, Lexa is sitting on the couch flipping through a magazine. She looks up at you and instantly pouts. "You're beautiful, Clarke, but you look so much better without clothes on."

"Well, I figured they might kick us out of a food establishment if I show up nude, ya know?" Lexa still has an adorable pouting look on her face when she walks over and kisses you. "Also, look at these!" You say when you break the kiss, pointing to your neck, "Lincoln is going to kill me. Literally murder me."

'Sorry?" She giggles but she doesn't really sound sorry at all. There is an insistent knock at the door that forces you both to look away from each other.

"You better hope that's not your cousin, I'm too hungry to be killed right now." You deadpan as you stomp to the front door. Luckily, it's not Lincoln. "Oh, hey Raven." you greet your friend.

"Oh hey Raven?" She mocks as she storms by you and into the apartment. "I've been texting you all day! I thought you died from too much sex." she glances pointedly at your neck and then at Lexa. "I see I've arrived just in time to stop such a fate." 

Lexa blushes so furiously that her cheeks turn a pretty shade of pink and she ducks her head in embarrassment. You smack Raven's arm and glare at her.

"What?!" She asks in faux shock, "I'm just looking out for you! Nice work, Lexa, those are some impressive hickies." 

If it's possible, Lexa blushes even deeper. "Uh, yeah, I um.." she stutters.

"Relax, chica, I am just giving you shit!" Raven winks at Lexa and she softens when she adds, "You're one of the gang now, you're going to have to get used to my constant teasing. I can't help it, I've tried." 

"I think I can live with that," Lexa smiles shyly. 

You watch Raven and Lexa talk and it hits you, this is your life. You smile widely as you see two of the most important women in your life getting along. In the back of your mind you think that it's time to introduce Lexa to your mother but that's a hurdle for another day. 

"Since you both have clothes on, can I assume it's safe to be here?" Raven asks.

"We were just about to go get something to eat," you answer.

"That's what she said," Raven wiggles her eyebrows at you and Lexa starts laughing so hard she double's over. You're going to have your hands full with these two.

"All right, all right you pervs," you admonish, but it's halfhearted and you can't help but smile too, "Let's go. You want to come along, Raven?" 

"Absolutely!"

"Okay, behave yourself!" You waggle your finger in her direction. 

"No promises. Besides, your girlfriend thinks I'm hilarious, don't you Lexa?" 

Lexa nods, still giggling and as you heard your girlfriend and your best friend out the door, you can't help the feeling of happiness that washes over you. Life is good.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter, it's not my favorite. It's been a busy weekend and week so far but I wanted to get Lexa meeting Abby in the story somehow.

You're incredibly nervous, and yet you're oddly calm. Today is the day your mother is going to meet Lexa. 

You and your mother have a complicated relationship. You know that she loves you and you love her but in the years since your father died, things have been strained. Your childhood was a happy one, two loving parents and a comfortable lifestyle. You grew up in privilege, of that there is no doubt. After your father was gone, you became a rebellious teenager, processing emotions in ways your mother couldn't understand. Abby was grieving too of course and it was hard for her to focus on your grief when she was so broken herself. As an adult, you understand her but the pain her abandonment caused as a teenager is hard to forgive. 

Abby is a surgeon and she is brilliant at what she does. As a kid, you had wanted to be just like her and for a long time, you thought being a doctor was the only choice there was. You've always had a natural talent for art, painting, drawing, sculpting, you name it. Not to be immodest, but you're gifted. You're father encouraged your love of art, he took you to museums, bought you paint and easels and lessons. Art made you feel close to him when he was alive and now that he's gone it's like a tether. You don't believe in heaven or guardian angels, but you feel like some part of him lives on through you and the things you create. 

When you announced you were going to major in art history, not pre-med, your mother disappointed. She went on and on about how hard it was to make a living as an artist and told you maybe art was meant to be more of a hobby. The wedge between you and Abby widened after that, it was like she didn't understand you and she made no effort to try to support your passion. 

When you came out as bisexual, you expected your mother to be upset. Abby was surprisingly unfazed by your announcement. Of course you were dating Finn at the time, Abby told you much later that she didn't think much of it because she just assumed you'd settle down with a boy. She was so supportive and motherly when you and Finn split up, it was almost like when you were a kid again. You brought Niylah home with you for dinner a couple times and your mother was perfectly pleasant. When you and Niylah broke up, Abby told you she was relieved and that she hoped you had that nonsense out of your system. It broke your heart more than anything else had because she just dismissed your sexuality and yet another part of your identity like it was nothing. 

You and Abby haven't had much of a relationship since then. You go to the obligatory dinner once in a while and answer the occasional text but things haven't been great in a long time. She is your mother though, and the only blood family you have really and you still want her to be part of your life. Despite everything, you want to make things work but it has to be on your terms. 

You broached the subject of meeting your mother with Lexa earlier that week and she was immediately on board. 

"Of course I want to meet her, babe. She's your mom, it's bound to happen eventually, right?" Lexa had so graciously acquiesced. And of course, you knew she would agree without hesitation but you were still relieved. 

You were far more concerned with Lexa's reaction to your mother that with your mother's reaction to Lexa. Even though you and Lexa have only been together for a short time, you still have more faith in her than you do Abby. If the meeting doesn't go well, Lexa will still be with you, she'll still love you, nothing will change. Of this you are certain, hence the calmness you feel. Your nervousness comes from your hesitation to introduce the best thing that has happened to you to the person you can't seem to help but disappoint. You can't help but feel a surge of anxiety at the thought that someone might not see how amazing Lexa is, how good she has been for you. You want to protect Lexa from that pain. Although you know she has been the recipient of much worse rejection, you hate the thought that she may be hurt because of you, because of Abby. 

Of course, Lexa is right. She is bound to cross paths with your mother at some point, you plan to be with Lexa for a long time after all, you can't avoid this forever and it's better if they meet in a controlled environment. 

 

/////

You pull up to the restaurant and take a deep breath before texting Lexa to let her know you've arrived. She had a group project that ran late and so you both agreed that she'd meet you at the restaurant rather than having you pick her up. You, however, refuse to leave your car until she is there with you. You tell yourself that's for her benefit, but really you know it's for yours too. 

It takes Lexa a full ten minutes to arrive after the text, which means you are now about five minutes late to meet Abby. You haven't seen her car pull in but then again, you haven't really been looking. Your mother is never late, however, so you bet she is already inside. 

Lexa taps gently on the drivers side window of your SUV, startling you out of your reverie. You smile and feel ten times better as soon as you see her. She is dressed really nicely, in a simple green sundress and white cardigan and it instantly makes your heart swell to know that she cares about making a good impression, regardless of how futile you think it may be. 

"Hey you," Lexa coos as soon as you are out of the vehicle,

"Hey," you smile and tilt your head up for a quick kiss before you take her hand

"Ready for this?" Lexa breaths, she may be a little nervous after all

"Not even kind of."  
"Let's get through this, then I will take you home and we can spend all night watching bad movies and eating our feelings." You laugh easily at this and feel better knowing no matter what, you get to go home and be with this amazing girl.

////

When you enter the restaurant, you tell the hostess you're meeting someone and she immediately leads you to a table where Abby sits, pouring over a menu. 

"Hey, mom." You greet her. She looks up from the menu and smiles like she is genuinely happy to see you. "Sorry we're late." 

Abby stands up and pulls you into a hug which surprises you a little. 'You're not that late, Clarke. No worries. Are you going to introduce me to this lovely young lady?" She asks, holding her hand out to Lexa. Lexa immediately takes her hand, smiling shyly at the compliment. 

"Mom this is Lexa, Lexa my mom."

"Please, call me Abby. Sit, sit!" Your mother gestures, she seems very animated and you're so relieved you let out an audible sigh. You and Lexa sit across from Abby, side by side and you instinctively reach for Lexa's hand under the table. She takes it and intertwines your fingers. 

"So, Lexa" Abby begins, "Tell me everything."

////

Dinner went well. So well, you're still reeling from the palpable relief. Your mother loved Lexa and she seemed more interested and excited about your life than you've seen her in a long time. You can't help but be amazed at how well Lexa is fitting into your life and the fact that she seems to be creating some kind of bridge between you and your mother is an added bonus.


End file.
